Interesting article in which I tend to agree with.. maybe more...

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/22/opinion/sunday/the-flight-from-conversation.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

For Your Splendor

Latest song I have on repeat...

Sometimes there's a song that says so much more eloquently and beautifully than what I can express in words myself...

A Rant about Parking...

This digresses from my normal entries but I was so struck by this that I had to write it down somewhere...

I went to Costco today to pick up some yummy Chicken Caesar Salad... (it's really good and cheap!!) and as I was driving around to find a parking space I realized an amazing analogy to life and in particular relationships...

There are some parking spaces people get because they drive faster and instead of being polite and courteous..they're all shady about it but in the end despite their shady-ness they get the spot... some people just happen to be at the right place at the right time...and they get their parking spot because a car happened to pull out right before they passed by... and there are others of us that drive around and around... we miss out because one shady driver pulled in before we could and we miss another because somebody happen to get lucky right before us...

And I realized it after I missed my second chance at a good spot that... it's like getting into a relationship.  Some get into a relationship because they are shady... some get into a relationship because they just happened to be lucky in their timing... and the rest of us are left circling...

That leaves me to wonder... maybe I just need to be more shady... hahha just kidding of course... ;p

there's a longing in my heart...

Every once in awhile there is this deep longing... more than friendship, more than a significant other, more than having fun, or eating good food can fill...

My soul is longing for the Lord... seems like a simple sentence while you're reading it but as I type it there is so much behind those few words...

Went to a Jesus Culture concert on Monday... Banning said that if you feel that stirring in your heart God is raising you up to be the answer here in Atlanta... and man am I feeling it....

I am in need...

Do you ever have those moments where you just say to yourself... "Man I need Jesus"?

Like really need him...  It's a quiet statement you whisper under your breath but you feel it, need it with all that your heart can muster?  I'm having that moment.  I'm stuck in this place of "Man I need you, Jesus" and I know he knows exactly what I mean by that...

//
Going through my workbook...

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"
-1 Corinthians 2:9

Do you believe it?  I do... it's hard to remember when the boat is rocking and the waves look like they are about to swallow me whole...but I know it because there have been traces of it throughout my life and I know more is to come...

That's all for now folks...

What the Lord is asking of me...

I've lost count...

First Love

That's what this past weekend was all about... I went to a retreat with just the singles (plus a few brave college kids).  We haven't had a retreat like this in awhile and I think it was pretty needed... 

The week leading up to the retreat was pretty crazy and horrible... enough that I wasn't really sure I wanted to go anymore.  Things picked up towards the end of the week but I didn't feel ready to go...

God is funny because it's ALWAYS when you least expect something that He surprises you.  I went into this retreat a little bit distracted, preoccupied and with no expectations but a chance to be away from the city and be around good company...  but God (as He usually does) had other plans.

As the speaker spoke over three sessions about First Love... God was up to something else... The first session the speaker shared a story that is so accurately depicting something that I'm about to do...  Not sure that it was "prophetic" but it was too alike for me to dismiss it as mere coincidence...  In session 2, there were many great points but like the first session, something he shared stuck out to me.  He said that unforgiveness stifles our love with God.  BAM!  As soon as he said that, a conversation I had with a friend earlier in the week regarding the crazy, horrible things I mentioned at the beginning of this entry ran through my mind.

Initially as she was sharing her thoughts with me I thought it was just general advice... but as it played through my mind something clicked... these two pieces belong together!!! You might be curious about her advice and how it has anything to do with what the speaker shared... She said over my situation... that there must be a reason God is not allowing it to just go away... why it keeps coming up... that God is preparing me for something else by making me see this thing through all the way... but I dismissed it because that's not what I wanted to hear... hahaha.  But you know those two pieces didn't even sink in until after the sermon was over and I was walking with a friend to get lunch... As I was sharing with her... I started realizing almost instantaneously that God is quite possibly calling me to actively and voluntarily pray for the people I want to forgive the least.  So far it's only by the Holy Spirit's prompting that I will pray for them... and usually I do it but very grudgingly... the crazier thing is that I think this is the key to unlocking what God has been waiting to give me...(still not sure what that is but pretty sure I want it).  I'm not talking about generally but I specifically have people that I struggle to forgive and the enemy knows it... he throws it back in my face from time to time... the timing is the most interesting part because a few weeks ago I was sharing how I felt God had healed a lot of me but there were a few remnants left... small pieces but still so jagged... it felt like God wanted to remove those last remaining pieces too... I just didn't ever think that it would have to be in this way...  My flesh is fighting so hard because it's not something I want to do... but my spirit is stronger and I have to know and trust that if God deems this to be the way it must be the best way possible for me and for Him.  So practically speaking... I said that I would pray for them every day until the Lord finally removes this from me.  It's not going to be easy... I haven't even started it and already so much of me is hesitating... but I gotta keep my eye on the prize!!

Session 3 was the last sermon our speaker gave before he had to jet away that night to get back to his home church.  This one was pretty cool because he spoke on a passage that is well known... Jesus walking on water but he explained it in a way I had not ever heard before.  Most people (including myself) read that passage and see Peter wanting to step out in faith... but then after he steps out of the boat, he freaks out and starts sinking.  To me... Peter failed.  But what I failed to notice was not one of the other 12 disciples EVER dared to ask or do the same as Peter...  The speaker pointed out that Peter didn't fail... he said rather we fail when Jesus says come and we don't go... or when we do fall, we don't call out to Jesus but look to other things to save us.  Peter saw an opportunity where the others saw the obstacles.

He ended the session asking all of us what our boats are that we need to step out of because we all have one... and as he was saying it.. immediately I felt the Lord press it on my heart for a sister of mine... it was crazy because it wasn't a logical desire of mine.  I wasn't sitting there thinking oh that message is for her... it was, again, instantaneous.  As the speaker spoke it I felt the Lord pressing it so firmly into my heart for her.. as if those words were the very thing God wanted to specifically say to her... Step out of the boat.  It wasn't until after that I started realizing that my prayers for her before we even got to the retreat were in line with what I felt God himself was desiring for her.  And then another sister came to mind as well... God wanting specifically for them to step out of their boats despite the wind, the choppy waters, being far away from the shore, the dark of night, how deep the water might be...despite everything around them saying don't do it... Jesus says Come...and that they will... we all will go.

There's something really special about this year... God is setting things into motion... I can't wait til the end of this year to be able to reflect back and speak with excitement, amazement and wonder to all the things the Lord was able to accomplish!!

Day 19

Today I went to a meeting with not enough sleep... but surprisingly I woke up pretty alert...

For our devotional we looked at Matthew 8:5-13

The Faith of the Centurion

 ⁵ When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. ⁶ “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering.”

 ⁷ Jesus said to him, “I will go and heal him.”

 ⁸ The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. ⁹ For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

 ¹⁰ When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, “I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. ¹¹ I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. ¹² But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

 ¹³ Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that very hour.

I've read this passage many times before and sort of took it for what it's worth but something about it today really struck me a little bit more deeply than I had before... You know those times where you read something that you've always known but for some reason truths that you already know seem magnified and they really hit you even though it's such simple knowledge and not really anything new per se?  I think this is definitely evidence that makes Scripture the "Living Word" of God... anyways I digress...

So all that to say I had that moment today.  We were discussing how this passage is so different from many of the miracles and healings Jesus had done previously... why?  Typically people ask Jesus to come to them or heal their sick... but in this passage Jesus volunteers to go to a centurion's house.  (A Centurion is a Roman commander of 100 soldiers).  But what is crazier is the centurion's response.  Now with a quick glance it doesn't really seem all that out of the ordinary but you gotta remember Jesus came for his people who could not recognize him... and here is a Roman commander who by his response not only recognizes that Jesus is healer BUT he recognizes Jesus's authority!!!  That's something many that had come before the centurion did not grasp.  They knew Jesus as healer.. miracle worker... lots of different things but they didn't understand the authority that Jesus carried... no wonder they were so quick to change their minds and opinion of Jesus!

This also explains why Jesus gets so exasperated with the Israelites at times... because they just didn't get it... He wasn't there to just perform miracles and heal the sick... he came for so much more... 

This also explains why Jesus responded the way he did to the centurion!  Can you imagine being in Jesus' shoes... coming to earth, humbling yourself to be a human.... wanting so much for your own people to open their eyes but over and over they don't understand... and then voila!  A Roman commander nonetheless is able to grasp a truth that the Pharisees and the Sadducee could not!!  Even though they knew the prophecies of the coming Messiah better than anyone else!

That is some crazy stuff if you think about it!  Love when the simple things come alive!

------------------------------------------------------

On a different note:  I continued reading past that initial devo and something caught my eye...

¹⁶ That evening many demon-possessed people were brought to Jesus. He cast out the evil spirits with a simple command, and he healed all the sick. ¹⁷This fulfilled the word of the Lord through the prophet Isaiah, who said,

   “He took our sicknesses
      and removed our diseases.”^[d]

The last part caught my attention because I know several who are afflicted and man when I find nuggets of truth like this I definitely hold on.  There's nothing like using Scripture to pray in faith, power and authority back to the One.  It's not a "throwing back in His face" type prayer but it's like God you say your Word is true... and this is something that is written... stay true and faithful to what has been written because I know that you are a God that holds to His word and does not change like shifting sands as I do... And God I thank you so much for that.. for your faithfulness and for your trust!  It's incredible that you left something so valuable in the hands of man... Jesus you said yourself that we would go on to do even greater things than you yourself did on this earth!  That's crazy!!  But that means if Lord you were able to heal the sick how much more have you enabled us to carry out your good works!

Adding to my ammunition.... :)

Day 9-15

Sooo I lost track of time and pretty much a whole week of blogging... oops...

In that time I watched A LOT of TV.... especially towards the tail end of last week.  My roomie and I started watching Eli Stone on Netflix and totally got hooked.  We finished the 1st season and about half way through the 2nd one last week.... tonight I finished the rest of season 2 and it is the main point of this entry...

For background sake:  Eli Stone is a lawyer who gets diagnosed with a brain aneurysm and starts seeing visions... soon he starts learning that these visions aren't just hallucinations but God prompting him to take on certain cases or predicting what's to come... Eli is not a believer and dismisses these crazy things he's seeing but through it he learns about himself and also about his father who suffered the same aneurysms as well as visions (which Eli and his brother thought his dad was crazy and just a drunk but they learn later that their dad predicted their lives in a way they could never imagine)

Its cool because both ym and I have had dreams.. visions while sleeping... some of hers have come true.. as have some of mine.  It was really interesting watching it from a secular show which explains all the late nights and watching "just one more" episode.. hehe.

Unfortunately it only lasted two seasons... and as I watched the finale... I was really struck by how it ended.  Eli meets his earthly dad in a vision (ironically in a snow globe) and talks to him... asking if his earthly dad who he sees and knows is dead is really God.. his dad just answers that it's complicated.  They start talking and Eli confronts his dad about his latest vision where he was trying to save a woman but she ends up dying and her heart is now viable for someone else... his dad explains that humans don't get to know everything or understand why things happen a certain way.... Eli argues with him because after all he is a lawyer and  his dad explains that basically the heart which he thought was meant for the women he saw in his vision and thought would be saved by it... was for a girl named Grace (from previous episodes.. is a little bit like Eli) who Eli has a connection with because Grace also has a physical ailment that could cause her to die in an instant... and Eli is amazed as his dad explains the bigger mysteries that we so oftentimes don't get to really see or hear in real life when things don't go as planned...

Eli asks his dad... well was this all a test??  and his dad responds by saying.. it's all a test... life is a test... and Eli looks frustrated...  but then his dad turns to him and says... Eli I'm so proud of you because you are passing with flying colors...

I started tearing up because in that moment I realized my prayer was God... I wanna be like that... I want to hear you say that to me at the end of my life.. that I passed with flying colors...  and how proud He is of me... It also reminded me of the time I was told by my sister over a situation I didn't understand... that I passed!  I remember just breaking down crying... relieved to hear those words even though I still don't fully understand to this day everything that happened in that situation....

I know that was a lot of explaining just to get to one part... but it wouldn't have as much significance without a back story....  I am about to embark on a small journey with a few others about what it means to break free... I can't wait to see what God does through it because it could not have come at a better time...

There is power in the name of Jesus... to break every chain... :)

Day 8

It's been a little over a week since Lent started and I started this blog....

Why does it feel so much longer than just a week?

But today is special because it's Leap Day!!  I was hoping that there would be Leap Day savings on airfare because I am in need of getting away.  Yes partly a vacation but it feels more like an escape I need.  Usually escapes can be bad because you're running away from something but this is more of a like.... I need to see something else out there to give me focus and clarity for my current present state...

Remembering the last leap day... I found tickets for NY for like $120 RT... crazy!!  I went with my friend A to go visit my sister.  Seems like so much longer than 4 years... I think both A and I have changed so much from them and it's cool looking back (again) to what has changed.  Unfortunately no crazy airfare deals so I won't be traveling anywhere soon but man I'm itching to go somewhere new.  Explore a new city, see and taste new things... one day....

Day 6 + Day 7

Okay so I'm combining two days into one... :P

Last night YM and I stayed up until 3 in the morning watching TV.  Crazy!  It started with coming home after dinner... YM wanted to do something but I felt pretty blah... it worked out because she remembered her favorite show came on yesterday: SMASH.  It's cute watching her get so excited about a show... I like to tease her a bit just because.. hahaha.

Since it was before Smash came on we were switching back and forth between The Voice and The Bachelor. YM can be a little dramatic as she said that the bachelor was so ugly that she couldn't even watch him on TV.  He may not be the cutest bachelor on but I don't think he's that bad.  Anyways she INSISTED on dusting IN FRONT of the TV while the bachelor was on.... wow really??  Hahah... hilarious.  I love my roommate.  She keeps things entertaining.  :)

Anyways Smash finally came on and she was so excited!!  I'll admit it's pretty good but I wasn't about to admit that to her after she dogged on my show (which by the way I don't really like watching the Bachelor but my mom got me hooked and there is this one crazy chick names Courtenay on there...its the train wreck you can't turn away from.. that's how I feel about the Bachelor)  Anyways after Smash (which YM was so sad about it ending and she has to wait a whole week to watch another episode.. haha) we surfed and started watching Criminal Minds and then Without A Trace on the ION channel... Dang TV has a way of sucking you in.... we stayed up until 3 AM!!!!  Craziness.

Today I watched YM make Cinnamon Rolls in non Cinnamon Roll form.. its called tear away bread or something like that.  I think Teddy thought the world was going to end because both YM and I were in the kitchen together.  Actually I don't know what was wrong with Teddy today... he seemed extra clingy and scared... regardless YM and I have fun together.. it's our 3rd year living together.. craziness!!  But I'm treasuring it because I know that as with all good things.. they eventually come to an end.  But I don't say that to be such a downer but it makes more appreciative with the time we have. :)

Yay for roommate days!!

Day 5

Making Progress

Getting burned sucks... After putting the burn relief cream on it felt better but then a little bit later it started really burning almost to the point that I wanted to tear off the gauze and run it under cold water again.. and then it would subside and feel okay... and then again it would start burning almost unbearably...

I think it's finally okay... I'll probably sleep with it in a gauze pad + neosporin just for good measure but it is definitely much better than yesterday.

It's interesting because this is not the only thing I'm making progress in. :)  Today at church our pastor encouraged to have a time of thanking God for the simple things or the whatever things you take for granted or forget to thank Him for.  Today I made progress because I thanked God for something that I wanted to happen but didn't... so I thanked him for not letting it happen...  that may not seem like much but it's A LOT.

But it's a lot like my finger burn... there were times where it felt like it was okay and then out of nowhere it would start burning almost unbearably... and then it would feel better again and I would think it was completely healed... but then again it started burning again... back and forth... but like my finger I think its almost healed but gonna put an extra slab of neosporin... ;)

chugging along... :)

Thanks God.

Day 4

Sigh... been sort of a fail all around day today....

burned my middle finger on my left hand enough for it to hurt... don't think it's too serious but it is uncomfortable and inconvenient.  hard to type.

lights out.

Day 3

Hanging out with a friend yesterday and we started talking about xanga... found my old xanga site (can't believe it's still up).  The last time I wrote in it was 4 years ago!!

Xanga was the way to connect with friends before FB came along... at least in my own life... I wrote about all kinds of crazy things.  I surprised myself reading through old entries of things God put on my heart back then... some deep stuff.  Other stuff was really silly and cheesy with great stories and memories relived. :)

My friend said that she thought my writing style had changed since then... has it?  I can't really tell.  I don't think it had other than I actually capitalize my "i" when writing but the "..." still remains. :)  I started my xanga site back in 2002 and kept it all the way to 2008... I was pretty honest and open on my site... much more than I consider myself to be now.  We started talking about where we were in what year and the things that have or have not happened.  It's crazy that time has gone by so quickly and yet it doesn't seem like it either.  I was surprised looking back and recounting all the stories how much I have changed in the last decade or so.... A lot of things I thought would have happened by now have yet to come to pass.. but the crazy thing is things I didn't even really consider in my plans have happened and I am so amazed.

Isn't it crazy that we have a plan for everything?   A plan of when we want to graduate, when we want to get married by, how long to wait before kids, how long we want to work before we retire... we plan for all these things but the one thing we don't plan for (well at least I didn't) was for my own spiritual growth.  I mean that might sound kind of ridiculous because who can plan out their own spiritual walk?  But then who has planned out their life and it has always gone according to plan?  We think we have control over all these things but we don't....not ultimately at least.  Yet the most important part of ourselves we leave up to... chance?  God?  We're not ambitious spiritually (at least not by nature) and the world doesn't care to feed that to us.  It feeds us the bigger houses, newer cars, fancy rings and weddings (nothing wrong with those physical things).  We are ambitious with our careers and other aspects of our lives but somehow our relationship with God is sort of left up in the air.  I think it's easy for us to say well I mean it's up to God really what he wants to show or reveal to me (this is true) so that means I'll just sit around until I get zapped with some sort of revelation... but until then I'm just going to do my own thing.  I actually used to think that's how this whole God thing worked.  You're told you are saved by grace and it has nothing to do with you... it's all God.  But somehow for me it translated into I don't really have to do anything...if God wants it to happen, He'll do it without anything from me...

Now this is a delicate balance as we know since both faith and fruits are needed... Faith alone proves nothing and works alone gets us nowhere either.

and to be continued... :)

Day 2

Today started off pretty well.  But by afternoon I was really feeling the effects of not having physical food.  Had an episode where I started feeling really tired and cranky.. the patience was running pretty thin.  I could feel it getting to me and thankfully had a friend pray for me and felt so much better.

It's only Day 2 but I have so much anticipation and expectation that this time is special... not only for me but many others.  There's something really different about 2012.  For one, its definitely the first year that I have been excited to get to the end of.  Normally the months wiz by and I keep thinking OMG where has the time gone... and then I keep dreading the end of the year because that means I'm a year older and not that much has changed.  But this year is different.  I'm expecting a lot of changes and I know God is good for it.  I don't necessarily know what it will look like or what package it will come in... I mean like it could be a really really yummy Snickers bar... hehe. ;)  But regardless of what God brings the most important thing is just God himself.  I definitely don't want to fall into the trap of loving the gifts more than the giver... it makes me as empty as desiring the things of this world.  Don't get me wrong though... I love receiving gifts from the Lord especially if it has my name on it. heehehe. :)

On a sidenote: When I get really really hungry... I mean like I feel like my stomach is gonna leave me cuz it's so hungry I crave a McDonald's Big Mac and Fries.  I don't know what it is... that is the thing I crave when I am the hungriest.  I always regret it later because I scarf it down and then feel sick.. but man it's so good while I'm eating it... hahaha. :)

Good night.

Day 1

So I decided that I would blog every day during Lent as part of my fasting and feasting. :)

It's quite a task since I haven't blogged consistently in like.... ever I think.  But I'm going to dismiss my perfectionist side and blog as little or as much as comes to me.  I wanted today's blog to be a great kick start to the Lent season so I decided to hold off writing until after the Ash Wednesday service today.  But I got nothing...  hehe but it's okay.

We sang a song today that I love.  Here is the version I like: Always by Mia Fieldes

This is random but while I'm talking about faves here is another one: Footprints in the Sand by Leona Lewis

I'm also determined to use my Living Social deal for Hot Yoga before it expires.  Going to drag Young Mi with me since I haven't been before. :)  Also exercising more in general.. not just part of Lent but hoping to kick it off during this time and keep going.

Well I feel this post is a fail in some ways but at least the only direction I can go now is up... well at least that's what they say.  But seriously I hope that writing every day will increase the flow and inspiration.  I feel like I'm trying to force it out for writing sake. 

Here we go~!